


Old Mills, Somerset, England

by nausicaa_of_phaeacia



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nausicaa_of_phaeacia/pseuds/nausicaa_of_phaeacia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Giles has left for Bath. Willow is trying to recover from her addiction. She realizes she needs help and decides to go to England to see the coven Giles is working for. Buffy travels with her, attempting to reconcile with Giles and trying to understand her own feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Mills, Somerset, England

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fic (ever). I wrote it all in one shot, I hope it came out alright. All my non-native-speaker mistakes are mine.

Shivering and clenching her fists against the wall, Willow slided to the floor next to her bed. Recovery proved to be far more difficult that she'd ever imagined. Certainly, she'd known it was going to be worse than anything she'd ever felt, but now, even with Buffy's help and Dawn trying to be her friend, she realized she had bitten off more than she could chew. Oh, she felt so tempted to succumb to her vices once more, but she knew she couldn't betray Buffy or Dawn or anyone else again. Still shaking, she crawled onto the bed, waiting for Buffy to come home.

"Guys, I'm back!," Buffy hollered, heaving the groceries into the kitchen. "Willow? Dawn?" She started packing things into the refridgerator, finishing right when she could hear Willow coming down the stairs. Buffy shoved the fridge closed and went to see her friend. Willow had sat down on the last step, looking very weak, making her friend go wild with concern. "Will, is everything alright? Oh God, Will, you look like hell, what's going on? Can I get you anything? Do you want me to call a doctor? What do you need?"  
Willow gave a weak smile. "It's fine, Buffy, I promise. Just the usual, you know." It dawned on Buffy that what she saw before her had more or less been a permanent state for Willow since she had moved in, trying to recover from her addiction. She was about to try to say something comforting, but the redhead interrupted her.

"It's not that I can't take this, Buff. I'm okay I guess. This is something I'm trying to deal with and I'm making myself get used to it. But Buff, you have no idea, I'm so scared." Buffy sat down next to her. "I've been resisting temptation for so long now and my body is still craving it, day and night, and all the time, I get these shivers and nausea and dizziness and just, you know, I don't know how long I'll be able to fight it. In fact, I feel like I'm about to relapse any moment. I don't think I can go through with it." Buffy put an arm around her trembling friend.  
"Sweetie, you have so much willpower, I know you can do it. I know you'll get through this eventually. I'm here for you, you know that. Dawn, too. And-" Willow interrupted her. "I know, Buffy, and you've been a wonderful friend and a great help and all. But I'm scared I'll do something dangerous. I'm scared I'll relapse and do something terrible. I feel I'm putting you and Dawn into horrible danger every day because you're next to me all the time and I can't control myself. I know this isn't over yet and I can't bear having to fear for your and Dawn's life all the time. I'm not ready to live like I used to again. Buff, I'm scared, and I need more help." She looked up at the Slayer. "You're risking your life taking care of me, and I can't go on living without having full control of what I'm doing." Buffy looked down at the floor and nodded. 

"You mean you want to go away." Willow sighed and explained, "Yes, Buff. Not for long. But I need a safe place where I can recover and learn what it's like to be myself again. Somewhere I know I'll find the help I need. To be honest, I already know where to go." As if Buffy had read her mind, she replied, "You mean Bath." Giles had moved back to England and started to work with a coven in Old Mills, a village near Bath. Willow nodded. "I... I don't mean that Giles should be taking care of me. But after all, he's working with powerful witches and I know they'll be able to help me. Buffy, I'm sure they know what I'm going through. They'll know how to help me. They know what it feels like. And Bath is far enough away from you. I mean, from all of you. If I went there, I'd know you'd be safe from me. At least until I'm back to being old me again."

Buffy swallowed hard, but she understood. "I know you're right, Will. And I'm not going to make you stay here. I know they'll be able to help you. I only want what's best for you." Willow was still shaking. "And I also understand that you want to leave as soon as possible. To be honest, I'm worried about you very much, but knowing that you'll be in Giles' hands relieves me a lot." Willow heard the grief in Buffy's voice and took her hand, saying, "I wish he hadn't left. I know you miss him very much." A little teary-eyed, Buffy nodded. "Me too." Willow rested her head on Buffy's shoulder.

"Do you think I'll ever see him again?," Buffy mumbled, trying not to cry. "All I've ever done is hurt him. You know how much I've been taking him for granted. And now, with Mum gone, I'm afraid I've really taken advantage of him. He wanted to help so badly and I relied on him entirely. Will, I've hurt him so much. He was always there for me and I've never treated him as a friend. I've never given him enough credit." Buffy sniffed. "But Buffy, you're the Slayer," Willow tried. "You have enough stuff to worry about. Hey, I've lost count, but you've saved the world so many times. Sure, you haven't always been nice to us ... uh, I mean, you've always had a lot going on and it's only understandable that you couldn't take care of your friends all the time. Also, we know that things have to be about Dawn now. We still love you, Buffy. But, be honest - you haven't needed a Watcher around lately. You've been preoccupied with more, uh, worldly things recently and that's only fair." Buffy swallowed as Willow went on. "And I know Giles. I don't think he's mad at you. It's true that you've hurt him but you know how much he cares about you. I don't know if he's ever going to come back to Sunnydale, but I'm convinced he remembers you fondly."

"I know you're right, Willow. But I still feel I have to make up for it. I've really done him wrong. He deserved so much better and I always made the whole thing about myself, all the time. You know I'm right." Willow shrugged. "Things haven't been easy for anyone of us, Buffy. But it's probably true." Buffy sighed. "In any case, we should get you plane tickets tomorrow. Have you spoken to Giles already?" Willow nodded shyly. "He said I was always welcome, and that he'd sent someone from the coven to pick me up. I'm just to tell him when I arrive." Buffy couldn't help feeling a little jealous at that, but she hid it well. "Well, then come on, little witch, let's pack." Willow smiled and they went upstairs. 

Later that night, they explained to Dawn who'd come home from a friend's house. Dawn couldn't help crying but she understood as well. They all knew Willow had to get back in the saddle, no matter how, and the sooner the better. After her sister had gone to bed, Buffy went to make tea for herself and Willow. They sat silently on the couch until Willow said, "You know, you've adapted his habits." Buffy had been daydreaming about better times and didn't follow. "Whose habits, Will?" Willow smirked. "Giles', of course. Tea and all. And demon books for bedtime reading. The stiffness when you're trying to hide you're hurt. It's obvious, you know. You even drive like him," Willow laughed, "cursing gracefully at the other road-users and at red lights." Buffy couldn't help smiling. "Is it really that bad?" Willow nodded enthusiastically. "It's kind of cute. Also, it makes me miss him a little less when I see you put on the kettle." They both laughed; then, Buffy grew very earnest again. "I really miss him a lot. I know he left so I could take my life into my own hands, and I don't think I need anyone to tell me what to do. We get by, Dawn and I, I think we're doing okay. But I just miss talking to him, and his endless ramblings about books and prophecies and apocalypse, and his English manners and you know... just Giles being Giles-y." Her friend nodded. They both took another sip of tea before Willow suddenly suggested, 

"Maybe you should fly to England with me and you know, just visit. I know Xander would be happy to take care of Dawn. As would Tara, you know. And I'm scared of going alone anyway. You don't have to stay for long, but I'd be so relieved to have you with me. And you could just stop by and see Giles for one or two days. I'm sure he misses you too. And you know what my parents are like. They'll buy your plane ticket too, I bet they'll just be glad I'm not flying alone."  
Buffy didn't even need to say anything; her bright smile let Willow know she'd instantly agreed.

___________

The flight had been surprisingly unspectacular; when they arrived at Heathrow before sundown, they were both tired, but within measures. Giles had arranged for a young and cheerful witch of the coven, Chloe, to come pick Willow up and drive her to Old Mills. Buffy and Willow had agreed on making her coming a surprise. Chloe, talking through the entire trip, was enthusiastic at the thought and kept babbling about how happy Giles would be, and how the coven was enthusiastic about welcoming such a talented witch, and how her aunt Rosie, also a member of the coven, had gone through the same thing as Willow, and how she hoped Willow was going to like staying with Rosie and her. Buffy kept silent most of the time; Willow, on the other hand, was eager to hear more about Old Mills and the other members of the coven. Buffy was glad to see that she had instantly made friends with Chloe; she was going to need all the support she could get.

Arriving in Old Mills, Chloe took Buffy to the little summer cottage Giles had inherited from his parents. She was going to bring Willow straight to the coven where Giles would meet her and introduce her to everyone else; also, that way, Chloe said, it was going to be even more of a surprise. She showed Buffy where Giles kept his spare keys, helped her bring her luggage into the house and drove off with Willow, waving cheerfully. With the others gone and standing a bit lost in the middle of Giles's living room, Buffy felt like an intruder. Chloe had told her that Giles had a spare room he'd offer his guests, so Buffy took her luggage upstairs. Looking for the room, she realized she had crept around even though she knew she was alone. _Old habits_ , she thought. 

Giles' "guest room" must have been his former room as a child, Buffy decided. There was nothing childish about it, but the other room on the upper floor was much bigger, so she supposed it had been his parents' room. Having unpacked most of her luggage, Buffy looked about the room. Loads of books, ascetic wooden furniture, nothing that suggested fun or liveliness. Suddenly, she caught herself feeling sorry for young Giles but made herself stop imagining him as a child. Maybe she'd ask him about his childhood one day, but fantasizing about it felt, again, like intruding. 

Chloe had told her Giles never really got home before midnight; she'd had to promise the witch she knew how to busy herself at the cottage until then. After taking a stroll inside the small house, trying to imagine Giles doing everyday things besides reading and eating several apples she'd found on the living room table, she decided to have a shower. Drying her hair with one of her own towels, she gathered the courage to enter Giles' bedroom, after having only peeked inside very quickly when mounting her luggage. It felt very wrong, but Buffy couldn't resist; she was too curious to see what Giles' life here was like. 

At the far side of the room, by the windows, stood a plain double bed which Buffy noticed first; next to it, several bookshelves, but fewer than downstairs. Almost entirely covered in books and papers, Buffy discovered a dark wooden desk; Giles seemed to be doing his work in the bedroom. She ran her fingers over the time-ridden backs of Giles' impressive collection; they all suggested he was still dealing with the same topics as he used to back in Sunnydale. Not being able to resist her curiosity, Buffy started peaking into his drawers (more papers and books about demons and such), his wardrobe (proof that she knew him well), and his nightstand. Irritated at the sight of a bottle of dubious but certainly alcoholic content, Buffy drew back, not allowing herself to imagine anything beyond what she had already fearfully and, to her shame, helplessly observed in Sunnydale after Giles had lost his job. Trying not to wonder about how he dealt with the enormous changes, she crept up to his desk, examining what he was working on. Not wanting to inflict any visible changes on the seemingly indiscriminate way Giles had draped his books on the table, she only lifted some titles and sheets ever so slightly to peek under them. 

Most of what she found seemed to be old texts in languages she was unable to identify and medieval anthologies of different spells. Underneath the mystical chaos, Buffy found an old postcard she had once given him for his birthday. It was very worn and faded, one corner of the front cover missing ... she got teary-eyed seeing how much he must have cherished it. Buffy opened it; it read, _Happy Birthday, Watcher. Many happy returns. Don't let yourself get staked. Love, your Slayer._ She had written it during her first year; it painfully came to her now that it had been the only time she had ever remembered his birthday. She knew it was in August but had to check the card to see when she had dated it. 15th. She blushed, embarrassed. Then, suddenly, like a strike of lightning, it came to her that the 15th had been two days prior to her arrival ... Willow probably knew and had congratulated him on the phone. Suddenly, she knew she had to go and get him something - not just out of politeness, but because she felt she owed him something special. If she was here to make it up, she might as well start by caring about his birthday. It was already afternoon and Old Mills wasn't exactly a metropole; then, Buffy remembered having seen a supermarket down the road as Chloe had driven her to the cottage and felt lucky she had remembered to change some money at the airport.

Not sure what Giles liked to eat and assuming he was going to eat dinner at the coven anyway, she only got a sandwich for herself and decided to try baking him a birthday cake. Since she had never been an outstanding cook, she felt proud being able to remember even the ingredients for the one cake her mother had taught her to make for her friends, a simple chocolate one with cherries on top. She also found some candles; not knowing how old Giles was and guessing he wouldn't feel flattered of having a huge number of candles on his cake, she decided to put one on the cake for each year they had known each other. Feeling strangely inspired and excited, she managed to bake the cake without any major incidents. Cleaning up conscientiously after herself in the kitchen, she apprehensively noticed her mind racing wildly with worry about how Giles would react to her spontaneous visit. She didn't even know if he was still mad at her, or if he wanted to see her at all. Willow had sounded so faithful and optimistic about the whole thing; but what if this was just another one of the major mistakes she apparently kept making?

She went upstairs to change; after all, there were major flour traces on her clothes. Nervously, she combed her hair and tried to braid it into a well-proportioned plait in front of the bathroom mirror. God, her hands were shaking. _Why am I so nervous?_ , she thought. _We've known each other for so long, I should be able to tell whether he's going to like me showing up here or not._ Dusk had fallen and Buffy could feel herself getting stressed since dark also meant midnight was not that far away anymore - at least not in summer. She turned around nervously in front of the mirror to make sure her simple navy summer dress looked alright. _Well, I can't change how I look anyway._ Suddenly, she was angry with herself. _As if he is going to care about how I look! I "surprise" him by intruding into his home secretly. I should have announced myself. I should have asked. I should have called. God, I should have called him more often after he left. I shouldn't have let him leave!_ She was in tears. _I should have acknowledged him more. I should have shown him how much I care. Stupid Buffy. Well, that's how it always goes._ She angrily wiped her face with the back of her hand. _I always scare everyone away. Lord knows how much I've hurt him. If he cares about me as much as I care about him, I'm sure I've broken his heart. How many times I've pushed him away._

____________

She turned off the bathroom light and went back downstairs to put the candles on the cake, then decided to put it onto the living room table. Hunting for matches, she found some on the mantelpiece. Deciding that she was unable to do anything reasonable anymore, she sat down on the couch, fiddling with the matchbox and waiting for Giles to return. Giles, her Watcher. Giles, the flustered librarian. Giles the Ripper. Giles the hero ... Giles the magician. Giles, who had always had her back. She fought back her tears. She knew she loved him and couldn't explain even to herself how she had always been able to suppress the feeling over all these years. Sure, they'd had their moments; but she felt that unlike him, she'd never proven it. _Except, maybe, on the day he was going to single-handedly fight Angelus._ She sighed. Weak excuses. She knew he had always tried to understand her, but she was certain that he never got to see how much she actually cared about him. _Why else would he have left. Why else would he have gone so far away._

Trying to think like her mother in order to understand his decision, she caught herself having neglected entirely what Joyce's first suspicion would have been in her place. She gasped for air. Nobody wants their mother to be right when it comes to matters of the heart; but putting herself into Joyce's shoes, _may you rest in peace, Mum,_ she realized how blind she had been. _If you're in love with someone, you let them go._ She swallowed; the words rang in her ears like a prophecy. Could that be true? Giles never shows his feelings. He had always been helpful, eager to support her in whatever she had to accomplish, always in the background, silently watching over her. But never had he displayed any signs of something more than genuine concern, more than friendship, more than a maybe fatherly love. But what if there had been more? She would never have been able to tell ... or would I? He had always been so unconditionally straight, so horribly contained and polite and, _oh, goddamn it, so British_ ... Was it possible that he felt more for her? Again, she thought of Joyce. _Buffy, but how do you yourself feel about him?_ Her eyes widened. _How do you see him?_ Again, she gasped for air. Suddenly, it all washed through her in an electrifying wave of realization. Before she could fully grasp the thought, she heard Giles fumble at his keys outside. Hastily, she lit the candles and burned her index finger. She heard the door open and close, and she heard Giles, letting out a long sigh. Careful not to startle him, she spoke very quietly,

"Giles."  
She practically heard his surprise, then his footsteps, approaching the living room. He almost fainted at the sight; Buffy, in a charmingly simple navy blue dress, lit by the flickering candlelight from what appeared to be a birthday cake, standing in his living room. He gasped.  
"B-Buffy." He couldn't move. 

"I wasn't sure if you'd like it. I baked it myself. You know, um, what a wonderful cook I am, so I figured I better use the one recipe I know doesn't leave anyone with food poisoning. Mum showed me some years ago. It's with cherries and you know, well, obviously, chocolate -" She suddenly stopped as he stepped a little closer. "It looks wonderful," he managed, still flabbergasted. Buffy nervously sat down on the couch. "I hope you're not mad at me." Giles slowly sank down to sit beside her. "Mad? B-Buffy, whatever for?," he stuttered. "Well, everything, basically. I've hurt you more than I can say. I didn't realize. I've made such a mess, Giles. I'm so sorry. I've been an idiot. I never meant to hurt you but I just realized how much pain I must have caused you." Giles swallowed, unable to believe what he heard. Buffy's eyes shone. "I'm so sorry. I've treated you horribly. I should have seen you as a friend the whole time. Instead, I saw you as the boring teacher, as the authority I felt I should rebel against. You were always there for me. You've always had my back. I love you, and I treated you the way no one should be treated. I've neglected you and forgotten about you far too often. I've hurt you and punished you and pushed you away - oh, Giles, quickly, blow out the candles!" The flames had almost reached the cake's surface, and, without thinking, Giles blew them out, leaving them to sit in complete darkness. 

After a moment of horrible silence, Buffy felt his hand on her knee. He had meant to reach for her hand, but not wanting to search for it in the dark, he left it where he knew was a safe spot. She froze; Giles took a deep breath. "You said y-you loved me." Buffy swallowed. "But you know that." Giles sighed, interpreting her words differently than she had intended them to sound. "Yes, Buffy, I know you've always loved me. I love you too. And no, I'm not m-mad at you. Not to lie, I h-have been mad at you many, many times." She swallowed. "You had every right." Giles turned towards her, trying to make her out in the dark. "Maybe, Buffy, I don't know." She knew had taken off his glasses and tried to imagine him fiddling with them now. "Maybe, but you're not the only one who has made mistakes." He sounded cold. "I never should have left you." She heard him put his glasses onto the table. 

"I wish you would have stayed. But you were right to leave. I used you, I depended on you too much. And I've never even thanked you. I've been an asshole, Giles, and for your own sake, it was probably better that you left, instead of letting me hurt you more."  
He sighed. Another moment of torturing silence passed before he spoke,  
"I couldn't stay any longer. Not because of what you did, but because of what I didn't do, and am still unable to do. Why do you think I went so far away?" She sensed the question must have been rhetoric, but she wished she had the courage to answer it. Instead, she let him speak. "I'm hiding, Buffy. From you, and from my own feelings." He gave a dry laugh. "As it appears, I'm not too good at it," he added, and she knew he was partly referring to what he hid inside his nightstand. She was almost crying. "I'm so sorry." He heard her snif. "I know." He removed his hand from her knee.  
Again, there was an instant of excruciating silence which seemed to take forever. 

"Giles?"  
"Yes?" He sounded rough.  
"What are those feelings you've been hiding for?" Her voice trembled. He gave an annoyed sigh and she heard him put his glasses back on. "Well, now that you're here, I guess I can just as well tell you. You'll be back in Sunnydale soon anyway." He stood up; he sounded very frustrated and angry now. "I've fallen in love with you, Buffy, but I know I can never have you. You've always pushed me away, never cared for me as much as I care for you. You've never seen me as anything else than your clumsy librarian trying to keep you alive while you're staking the bad guys. God knows how much time I've wasted waiting for something to change. I know you're very young and I know you don't want me, I just couldn't bring myself to realize the truth. You don't love me like that, Buffy, and that's alright, I didn't expect you to. It's really not your fault. I hope you'll understand though that I can't stay near you any more. It tortures me. I have to get past this on my own. But thank you for visiting. And thank you for the cake, I'm sure it's delicious."

He was about to go and make his way upstairs in the dark, but he hadn't heard Buffy stand up while he had spoken; now, that he was about to turn around, her lips softly brushed his cheek. He was petrified; he felt her arms wrap around him. He couldn't let himself believe it and barked, "It's okay, Buffy, I do accept your apology. I'm tired, let me go to b-"  
And then she kissed him on the lips, very carefully. He didn't respond; part of him was sure she was mocking him, or merely trying to reconcile with him. But she kissed him again, and again, covering his face in kisses. He could feel her tears. Finally, she took his face into both her hands and kissed him passionately, making his lips part and gently exploring his lips with her tongue. He was unable to move. Could it be true? That she of all people, Buffy, should love him? After all those years of silent suffering and waiting ... Why would she pick him?

He sounded sore. "Buffy, you don't want me. You know I will always be on your side, that I will always watch your back from afar, but you don't want me. You don't love me." Buffy hugged him tightly as she spoke, "I never thought you could be so wrong." He held his breath. "You've been an excellent Watcher, Giles. Very smart, very perceptive, always thousands of miles ahead of me. But now, there is something you really don't see," she said into his sleeve. She heard his heartbeat almost double. "I love you with all my heart," she whispered.

From then on, all was dizziness and lips and heaven and kisses and arms and cheeks and embraces. He felt close to fainting, finally kissing her with all that he was, holding her as if she were to escape him the next moment, drawing her to him as if his life depended on her kisses.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Polite comments are always highly appreciated :)


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